


Thought A Lot

by HenryWithACause (HenryBoyThatsMe)



Series: Thinking Things Through [1]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Insecure Alec Lightwood, M/M, Missing Scene, after the date in 2x06, episode coda, mlm author, sort of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-30
Updated: 2017-03-30
Packaged: 2018-10-12 19:16:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,372
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10497753
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HenryBoyThatsMe/pseuds/HenryWithACause
Summary: He could always brush off thoughts about the future by saying it was impossible to know, but the past - fuck - the past was experience, the past was memories, the past was years worth of information that Alec didn’t have and Magnus did, the past was what made Magnus who he was now. The past was goddamn terrifying.Alec's thoughts on the walk back to the loft after their date.





	

**Author's Note:**

> This has been running around my head since the episode aired, so I figured I should finally get it out into the world.
> 
> Also posted on my tumblr @lightwoodbanemlm

 

They walked out of Hunter’s Moon and into the slightly chilly night air. Their conversation playing over in Alec’s head and settling like a weight on his back. Before when he’d thought of Magnus’s immortality it was in a panic-about-the-future sense and his past felt more abstract, like a kaleidoscope of exciting experiences in far off places, but now the past was much more panic inducing than the future. He could always brush off thoughts about the future by saying it was impossible to know, but the past - fuck - the past was experience, the past was memories, the past was years worth of information that Alec didn’t have and Magnus did, the past was what made Magnus who he was now. The past was goddamn terrifying.

“So,” the melodic voice broke Alec out of his thoughts for a moment, “Shall I make a portal or would you like to head back to my loft the old fashioned way?”

He hadn’t considered it, but once the idea was out there walking back sounded perfect. The air was just cool enough to clear his head without making him shiver, and despite the tension he’d been feeling since the revelation of just how much romantic experience Magnus had he still found that the last thing he wanted to do was end the night anytime soon. So Alec said as much in his own reserved way, “Walking sounds nice.” He let a small smile curve at his mouth as he spoke and had to bite the inside of his cheek with some force to prevent it from widening idiotically when Magnus grabbed ahold of his hand to lead him down the street.

Their fingers fit together perfectly. The thought was almost better since it wasn’t new information. Alec had known since the day he’d helped out with Luke that holding Magnus’s hand was something he would do at any given opportunity. Magnus’s palm was warm against his, and he could swear he felt a slight pulse of magic that echoed the pulse of his blood, but maybe he was just imagining it because of how much the magic was a core part of him. Suddenly his own stuttering words from what felt like ages ago flashed through his mind, _Magnus is quite magical,_ god, could he have been any more of a mess? He ducked his head to hide a blush that he was sure was crawling up his cheeks at the memory, before looking over at the magical man in question.

Magnus had his own hint of a smile on his lips - lips that Alec was suddenly wondering why he hadn’t kissed yet tonight - and when he noticed he was being looked at he met Alec’s eyes and squeezed their joined hands with a quick wink. “Well, awkward conversation aside I think our first official date went well,” Magnus commented as they continued to stroll in the direction of his building.

“Mm-hm,” Alec responded and despite his short answer he really did mean it. The date had been great. For a short while nothing had mattered outside of the bar, no tragedies, no war, just drinks and flirting and some healthy competition over pool… And then Alec had let slip that Lydia was his only ex, and since that wasn’t even a real relationship he’d also let slip that Magnus was his first _everything_ , which was information he really hadn’t intended to share. Okay, so he was still a mess. And now he was a mess that was back to panicking about his warlock boyfriend’s multiple centuries long past.

“As much as I love Brooklyn, it’s a shame we’re not in Manhattan, I love walking through Central Park at night. Especially Belvedere Castle and its lovely view of the pond. Oh, I should take you to see Shakespeare In The Park sometime! Do Shadowhunters even go to the theatre? Probably not unless there was a demon inside. You know, I saw the very first production at the Delacorte Theatre in 1962?”

Magnus continued to talk, probably about the first show he saw in that theatre, but Alec started to zone out. His thoughts went back to their so-called awkward conversation from the bar.

17,000

17,000 others before him. Sure, some of them were probably just brief flings, but some of them - maybe even a lot of them - Magnus had loved. 17,000 other people who got to experience the beauty and _magic_ of Magnus Bane. How was Alec supposed to compete with that? How were his 20 inexperienced years supposed to measure up to hundreds of years worth of relationships. Alec didn’t even know exactly how old Magnus was! All he knew was that he was over 400, but over by how much? How many lifetimes had Magnus lived before he was even born? By the Angel, he’d never felt so much like a child in his life. Even with their hands still clasped firmly together he’d never felt farther away from someone since Jace had gone missing.

“-ec? Alexander?”

Alec shook himself when he realized that Magnus was trying to get his attention, “Hm?”

“Are you okay? You seem a little lost.” Magnus was looking at him with concern and his words were hesitant, as if he knew what Alec was thinking. Maybe he did, maybe he was thinking the same thing, but Alec couldn’t allow himself to dwell on that idea because that would just make everything worse.

He pulled up a smile that he hoped was reassuring and squeezed the hand in his, “I’m fine, don’t worry.” The words didn’t come out as convincing as he wanted them to, but thankfully Magnus didn’t press the issue, just squeezed his hand in return and nodded.

“Just a few more blocks after we make a left up there,” Magnus said, dropping Alec’s hand to indicate the corner where they would need to turn.

Alec waited for the feeling of ringed fingers sliding back between his own, but it didn’t come. He looked down to see the hand he had been holding just a few seconds ago swinging lightly in the air between them.

Fuck, did he screw something up?

Did Magnus not want to hold his hand anymore?

Maybe he was just trying to give Alec space. He did that a lot, waited for him to initiate things. Yeah that was probably it. He was just waiting for Alec to take his hand again and then everything would be fine.

But what if that wasn’t it?

Was he thinking about how Alec had never been in a relationship before just like Alec was thinking about his 17,000 exes? Back at the bar he’d called him “innocent” and said it was a good thing, but maybe he was rethinking that statement. Sure innocence probably had its charms, but there’s no way it could be fun for an entire relationship, especially if there was such an extreme difference in what they knew. In this case the difference in knowledge being everything vs. nothing. How could Magnus want him when he knew nothing? Magnus deserved someone who could give him everything and he had no idea how he was supposed to do that when he didn’t even know what _everything_ entailed. The more Alec thought about the whole thing, the more it seemed like it was just doomed to fail.

Just as that truly terrifying thought crossed his mind, Magnus’s building came into view. Less than a block and they’d be back. Less than a block and Alec would have to actually address what he’d been thinking, because it wasn’t fair to Magnus to ask him to deal with his stuttering mess of inexperience.

The tension seemed to settle over them like a blanket as they rode the elevator up to Magnus’s loft. The air was heavy with all of the unpleasant things that needed to be said, all of the things that Alec didn’t want to say.

The soft _ding_ of the elevator doors opening may as well have been the alarms at the institute for all that it filled Alec with dread. He didn’t want this to end, he just wanted Magnus.

Magnus broke the silence as they walked through the door, “For a guy so used to portals, I have to admit nothing beats a late night stroll through the city.”

Alec honestly agreed, New York is beautiful and he very rarely took the time to actually appreciate it, but tonight it just felt like a long walk to the edge of a cliff. But he couldn't exactly say that, so he just went with, “Yeah… Gives you time to think.” Unfortunately it came out a little more tersely than he’d intended.

“You must have thought a lot,” Magnus commented, “You barely said a word the whole way home.”

And he started pouring himself a drink. Granted, that was a pretty common occurrence, but it’s not a great sign when it happened the second after he walked in the door and hadn’t yet tried to make eye contact with Alec. Then again, Alec hadn’t exactly been trying for eye contact himself either…

“Magnus, do you think maybe we’re too…” He couldn’t get to words out.

“Different?” Magnus guessed. He almost seemed resigned, like he’d expected this. The last thing Alec wanted to do was disappoint him, but that was why he was saying this in the first place.

“Yeah.”

Magnus finally turned around from his drink table, but Alec still couldn’t bring himself to look him in the eyes. “We’re from totally different worlds.” The words hurt because they were true. He knew intellectually that they were true even if in that moment, standing in this room a mere five feet apart it really felt like they had to be in the same world.

“Different centuries,” Alec added, or maybe corrected, because he couldn’t bring himself to think of himself as being a world away from Magnus. And then he said the last thing he ever wanted to say, “Look, I’m… I should go.”

He turned around without looking at Magnus’s face, because if he looked at him he knew there was no way he would actually be able to leave. Even as he moved he wanted nothing more than for Magnus to stop him, to grab his arm or ask him to stay or anything that would mean he didn’t make it to the door and back out into the night air. He even slowed his steps to give Magnus more time to do something, anything.

But why?

If he’s the one walking away, why was he praying so desperately to be stopped? Especially when he could stop himself.

So that’s exactly what he did.

He stopped walking because he can no more predict his own future with Magnus as Magnus could have predicted meeting him when he was with any of the 17,000 who came before. Sure those memories were still there, but they were there when Magnus first noticed him instead of Jace, they were there when he asked for his strength to help heal Luke, they were there when he told him to follow his heart and when he crashed his wedding, they’ve been there the whole time. If none of those 17,000 memories got in the way before, why should they start now?

Alec shook his head. He was a mess and an idiot, but not for the reasons he originally thought. He was an idiot for not grabbing Magnus’s hand when he’d dropped it earlier, he was an idiot for not listening to every word Magnus said on their walk, he was an idiot for always overthinking everything, and he was an idiot for thinking that people who were no longer part of Magnus’s life could get in the way of what they could have together. So in an effort to be a little bit less of an idiot he took a breath, turned around and walked determinately back to where Magnus was still standing.

“Look, I don’t care how many people you’ve been with,” he said it clearly and confidently because he realized that it was the truth. He didn’t care who came before, he cared that now it was him.

The answering look of surprised awe on Magnus’s face was both beautiful and horrible. It was beautiful because all of his faces were beautiful, it was impossible for him to be anything less, but it was horrible because he shouldn’t have had to look like that. But there was no time to dwell on the thought for long because answering words were coming out of that beautiful face and Alec wouldn’t make the mistake of not hanging onto them like a drowning man for a second time that night, “I don’t care how many people you haven’t been with.” And fuck if that wasn’t music to Alec’s ears after all of the panicking he’d done.

He honestly felt like he might cry with relief, but that would be _way_ too embarrassing, so instead he went for the thing he’d wanted all night. He stepped closer and slowly leaned down to finally kiss the beautiful man in front of him. Magnus’s lips tasted like home and stillness, like he could finally breathe after hours of running too fast with no chance to catch his breath. It was everything he needed.

He lingered in the space of their shared breath even after the kiss ended, living for the feel of the little puffs of air against his face and not wanting to be apart from him again. “I hear relationships… they, um, take effort,” Alec offered. Sure they had differences, even huge ones, but calling those roadblocks would be saying that Magnus wasn’t worth it, and Magnus was worth everything.

If the answering ghost of a smile didn’t indicate that he felt the same way, the words he uttered next definitely did, “I’m all for effort.”

Happiness and relief washed over Alec so strongly that he almost felt light headed and he wanted nothing more than to grab Magnus’s face and kiss him until neither of them could remember their own names.

So of fucking course that’s when Jace had to walk in.

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you enjoyed it! Feel free to come at me on tumblr at lightwoodbanemlm. 
> 
> I'm considering doing a series of missing scenes, so let me know if that's something you'd be interested in ^_^


End file.
